Part 2: WBFF NYC
And now let’s fast forward.. A mere 4 weeks later.. To my second prep…
That new woman I told you about.. She now had secured a new job. Her family had rallied and come together and become a great support network after the passing of her Nonna. She was happy. She was in a great place. She woke up every morning with enthusiasm ready to take on whatever the world was going to throw at her – so she took on a second prep.
I started my second prep just as I had my first – eager to make even more changes and become even better than I had weeks prior, because if I did it once I could surely do it again. Afterall, don’t most girls go from one prep into another and do back to back shows all the time??? I can do that! I’m taking that #1 spot this time! Watch me! Week after week, I busted that aforementioned big booty in the gym and watched the scale and reflection in the mirror remain constant. Every week I said to myself “ok, one more week.. Let me give it just a little more time to see a change.” I cut calories. I did cardio. I tried increasing calories. I upped my fats. I upped my carbs. I had cheat meals. Every. (HEALTHY) Trick. In. The Book. (NOTE: I wasn’t about to be one of those girls who was starving herself eating less than 1000 calories a day and doing hours of cardio just to screw my body and metabolism up in the end – I have a great coach who cares about my health and well-being and he would never do that to me.) And still.. nothing about my physique changed. My friends told me to abort the mission and just enjoy summer, but that wasn’t me. I said I was going to do something and I sure as hell was going to do it! Until finally, at 8 weeks into prep and 4 weeks out from my show, my boyfriend cut me short on the treadmill because we had somewhere to be and I just lost it. I was working so hard without any pay off and I was completely and utterly heartbroken about it. I had set a goal for myself. There was no way in hell I wasn’t going to accomplish it. People knew I was competing, what would they think of me? They definitely didn’t know the full story – what if they judged me for being a quitter?? Now.. I want to make something LOUD AND CLEAR – I AM NOT A QUITTER! I. AM. NOT. A. QUITTER!! I am SO MUCH of a non-quitter in fact that I continually kept pushing myself forward through my second prep despite the fact that at every twist and turn my body was giving me a straight up “NOPE”. My mind was in it to win it but my body just wasn’t having it.
Well needless to say, my second prep taught me about my limits. It taught me to listen to my body. It taught me patience. It taught me when to say enough is enough. It gave me a sense of self awareness. It taught me to love me for me and to accept that I didn’t need a Pro card to prove anything about myself to anyone – how hard I worked in the gym, that I can achieve the goals I set for myself, that I had made positive changes to my body, and here’s the biggest bombshell of all – that I belonged with my boyfriend who was a Pro. It taught me to not care what people thought about me – whether they knew my story or not. Judge me for “quitting” and not stepping on that stage or applaud me for finally accepting that I couldn’t keep going with this prep.
My end game with competing was never to be able to sell you all skinny teas, or hair gummy bears, or apparel. I just wanted to be an inspiration. I wanted the girls that I knew that I saw so much of myself in to be able to say that if she can do it, I can do it. Afterall, I used to be deathly afraid of the gym. I was afraid of the weights and I swore everyone was looking at me and judging me for being a total spaz. I wasn’t confident or happy with my body but I was too self conscious to take that first step. I’ve come a long way in the past year and a half and I’ve learned a lot about myself – mostly about self love. I took that first step because I wasn’t happy and I wanted to make a change – and I definitely can say I have – a lot of them.
The stage will always be there. Will I compete again? I don’t know. Maybe. But more importantly will I continue to improve myself and work towards my goals – whatever those goals may be. Absolutely. And that’s all I can promise.